It was November of 1992 and I had just spent ten days in the hospital being treated for depression. I had grown up in a Christian family and had a strong, personal relationship with Christ. But nothing had prepared me for the events of my last two years of college.

In between my Junior and Senior years, I was involved in some intensive military training (I was an Army ROTC cadet - something I did to help pay for school). The training was very difficult and many times I considered quitting. My mom had cancer and I wanted to quit school and be with her. I met a Christian during the training, my supervising officer who was part of Officers Christian Fellowship. Through long talks with him and over the phone with my mom, it became clear to me that the right thing to do was to finish my training. Mom was sick but I didnÕt know how sick. When she died in April of my senior year in college, I didnÕt have time to mourn.

Graduation was approaching fast and I was engaged to a wonderful Christian woman. All I felt was joy and excitement and, though I missed mom, I knew she was in heaven and thatÕs all that mattered. Or so I thought. Not grieving properly for mom began to take its toll. My fiancée and I also became involve with an abusive, authoritative para-church/cult. Through my involvement with this church, I began to doubt my relationship with Jesus and even that mom was in heaven. My fiancŽe saw the toll being involved in the para-church was taking on me and we left. However, the damage had been done.

I was plagued my re-occurring nightmares of being cast into outer darkness and being consumed by fire. The nightmares turned to hallucinations that drove me into a frightening depression. At the same time, friends from my momÕs church fellowship begin reaching out with extraordinary love and compassion. Yet they knew, as I did, that I needed to resolve on my own the issues of faith I was struggling with.

I read the bible sometimes - mostly staying close to the Songs of Saints of old who had also felt lonely and crushed in spirit. Reading my bible was one anchor to my joyful past. God had also impressed on my heart that I would need to rest from "struggling with my faith" for a while. I spent much of my free time surrounding myself with Christian friends who loved me no matter what.

I did fun things like white-water rafting, mountain biking, and challenging ropes courses, built on treetops. Still, since I had left the hospital, for the first year at least, I remained in a haze of depression, with no hope that I would ever get better of know the joy of the Lord I had known years ago. Then, slowly, almost imperceptibly, I began to have hope again. It was not overnight or instantaneous. The thought or impression that things might get better someday began to reoccur in my mind. My life situation began to improve.

I moved out of my parents' house and began excelling at work. But my recovery was not yet complete. I still felt awful, though the hope was there that I might not always feel awful. I began to go on short term missions trips and to be more involved in ministry to others, sharing with them what I had been through and what I was going through. It brought encouragement to them and to myself. I overcame challenges (strange lands, strange foods, strange sights and smells). All the time, I was being taught in my heart my God to trust Him and about his love, not only for all humankind, but also for his deep, personal, unchanging, almost unfathomable love for me.

God had moved my former fiancŽe and I on different life paths - there was much recovery I needed to go through and I felt I needed to do it on my own. We had agreed to go our separate ways but now I regretted it. I strongly desired a life companion because I had found that life was sometime tough to go through on ones own. I went in and out of relationships. In many ways I was ready to be married _ - God had brought me through one of the toughest experiences imaginable. Yet God knew in his wisdom, there was still work to be done.

It wasn't until I had declared to God in my heart, "I'm ready to serve You, Lord, just the way I amÉ" that he begun to move in the relationship area of my life. I became happy as a single. I believed God wanted me to be married, but could accept it if that was not in his plan. God taught me to dream again. And as I began to dream again, He began to fulfill these dreams. I became a stronger Christian. My quiet times were more meaningful. Friendships with both men and women flourished. My ministries (street evangelism and Jr. High ministry) were blessed.

Marriage is not the culmination of a dream, but it marks a new chapter in one's life. Just as my faith grew deeper and stronger when I decided I was happy as a single, by faith has continues to grow deeper and stronger now that I am married. Marriage has led to new dreams. New dreams for my life and new dreams for what God is going to do in my life and in his church, not just our local congregation, but in the worldwide church of Jesus Christ. It had taken 4 years for me to recover from depression (Year 1, I was in daily agony. Year 2, I had the hope that things might get better, though they didn't seem to be getting better. Year 3, things began to get better and Year 4, my life began to "soar" in the Lord). And it had taken four more years after that of dreaming before I saw a few of my dreams realized.

I continued to grow and to dream today. God is the giver of dreams. Without vision, the people perish. The fulfillment of the dreams of all humankind is Jesus Christ - but the dream doesnÕt stop when one comes to faith. In my life, the dream continued, long after a youthful faith, and continued through the nightmare of depression to a restoration of that faith and new dreams. All good gifts, including dreams, come from the Father of Light above with whom there is no shadow of turning. My hope is that you will be encouraged to dream with God again, just as I have.

Lots of Love in Him,

Mike